Monday, March 23, 2009

A life in turmoil

The last two years of my life have been filled with a roller coaster of emotions I never expected.

First there was the decision to move to Bible College so my husband could commence full time study. That decision in itself brought a change of emotion about every 5 minutes. One minute I would be excited about the way God was leading us and the possibilities of what the futuer may hold, the next moment I was terrified at the thought of the changes that would occur in my life.

Then there was the whole process of settling into life in the community environment of a residential Bible College. The daily swinging emotions between enjoying friendly neighbours and feeling as though I had no time to myself and no privacy.

Finally, at the beginning of this year, I thought I had it all under control. I could look at our life and be glad we were here, look to the prospect of being used by God at some time in the future, but with the security of another three years in a familiar environment.

Three weeks ago today, the swinging, roller coaster emotions began again, with the announcement that this campus of Bible College may be closing next year and we will possibly be without a place to live and possibly unable to afford to continue to study... depending on various circumstances beyond my control. My safe, secure environment was thrown into turmoil once more and I have had to deal with the five minute change of emotions again.

Then, today, an hour long phone call that my husband received has added to the turmoil we feel. He could potentially have the support of his future employer, assistance with the cost of study and a minimal wage... BUT... it would require extra work on his behalf now and in the next few years, facing some stiff competition through a highly competetive selection process. The benefits if he could make it through the selection process would be many, but so would the extra pressure on our lives, our family and our relationship. To not even attempt the process now, would mean a longer, slower process with no guarantees at the end of it.

Much prayer will be required as we are already feeling that there is not enough time in each day to do the absolutely essential requirements, let alone anything extra. We have a month to think, pray and consider our possibilities, before we will be asked to make a decision.

My initial response is "Go for it!" but then the wifely/motherly side of me kicks in and wails "What about me?" I don't want to take on the extra required of me if my husband is even busier (although, I'll have to get used to it later on), and I want MORE time with him, not less.

Please God, help us, give us wisdom, and make your path clear to us.

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